August. Astrology. I still haven’t decided about Hor-O-Scopes and their place in knitting, crazy cat lady stuff, whining, wine, and the general poor grammar of my personal manifesto here. But I like doing hor-o-scopes for now and I’m so damn excited about Saturn leaving on August 16 I could just pee my pants. Saturn has tried to kick my ass, along with the collective asses of Sag and Gemini and Capricorns, too, and I really think I’m going to hold a little Bon Voyage & Thanks For All The Crap! party at my house come mid-August.
Not that I have any bitterness. Damn planet of hellfire and brimstone. Mumble mumble.
And, you know, don’t let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don’t let ’em light candles and write their own stuff, let ’em be doctors and lawyers and such.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Imagine you’re a novel. Part romance, part mystery, part B-list horror. If you want to increase the number of steamy pages between your covers, you’ll need to start making your own plotlines and conjure up some serious dialogue this summer. Start small, by picking out a love interest. Oh, wait. You’re already one step ahead of me! June is the month to get your butt in the car for a little road trip so the novel of your life contains some travel and adventure, too.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Pisces esta en la casa. Yes, that’s right, Pisces is in the house this month! And in the closet, the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen. Every time you turn around you’ll see your humble abode as one big Trading Spaces Marathon. Rather than focusing on the imperfections of your home and getting bogged down in detail, show your annoying inner critic the door and change the locks while you’re at it. If you loosen up the perfectionism a bit, you will free your artistic side — or at least channel Bob Vila from time to time.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If you put up with anymore shit this month I’m seriously going to suggest you invest in a big pair of rubber boots and start calling yourself a pig farmer. What is it with people lately and their obsession with mud-slinging crapfests? Until your name is on the Presidential ballot, declare your life a rumor-free zone. If people want to take potshots at you, tell them to do it to your face or get a new hobby. Then take a well-deserved vacation mid-summer and to hell with ’em.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Have you ever heard of the literary term “the hole in the narrative?” It’s the description of a piece of literature that has a missing piece — the narrator or the main character or the plot itself is simply missing. And you have to fill it in. Your life for the past few months has had a hole in the narrative. Until now, you weren’t sure what thread held all the pieces together, because it was the one element totally hidden from you. The bad news is that I don’t know what’s missing either. The good news is that you’ll have no trouble finding it yourself by August 28, even though you may discover someone in your inner circle isn’t quite the person your thought they were. More good news: Money money money. Money! Neptune is in your corner and your bank account will enjoy it!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
The famous and rather ill-fated Southern writer Ambrose Bierce once said that beauty is “the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.” Ya’ll know all mysteriously dead Southern writers are telling the truth about beauty. That is a fact. Attraction could launch a thousand ships, stop a clock and at the same time drive a person mad. This has always fascinated me. Everyone within a ten-mile reach of a Gemini this month will get a taste of attraction, since you have the charm and beauty planets aligning in your favor. You’ll also benefit from Saturn leaving my sign — Cancer — and you’ll have more opportunity for throwing money at your beauty bag by mid-August.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Dear Diary, I’m about tired of this Saturn shit. Saturn has been screwing up my life for almost two years now and I have had ENOUGH. I am so ready for my new boyfriend, Mars. Mars is coming to make sweet love to my house of success starting June 11. And Saturn? Yeah he’s trying to stick around. Like the smell of old fish. But come hell or high water, Saturn will leave my house on August 16th and I am throwing a party, FAREWELL BASTARD SATURN!! As usual, us Cancers are looking forward to our birthdays, too, so we can make lists of all the things we need to be and do and have in the coming year. Diary, Birthday Resolutions are so much more powerful than New Year’s Resolutions. Don’t you agree?
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your forecast is actually quite simple, not only for the month of June but for the whole damn rest of the year — stop spending so much time in your own head. Sing out loud, ask questions, say “Yes” when you mean YES and “No” when you mean NO. Work will be a heavy hitter in your life this month and maybe even a little stressful, so when you need to talk … don’t wait for the phone to ring. Instead, try this really ancient Chinese secret: pick up the phone yourself and make the call. Ask for what you need. All this self-analysis and soul-searching really boils down to one thing: We can’t read your mind!! We’re just a bunch of regular zodiac joes, and you have to be patient with us. Thanks! We really do appreciate it!
VIRGO (August 23 – Sept. 22)
Some people get really fixated on little things, like dust mites. Small, not able to be seen with the naked eye, but ever present and totally annoying. Sound familiar? Your fixations and anxiety are your choice — don’t while away your time and energy this month trying to eliminate a million tiny worries. Instead try this: Pick one big worry, and choose five minutes a day to consciously worry about it. Really concentrate. When your five minutes are up, let it go. (Well, hey, it’s worth a try!) With two perfectly aligned full moons in the next six weeks, you’re going to have more exciting offers than you can shake a stick at, all career- and job-related and all pretty good. Unless you treat them like dust mites and worry worry worry them to death.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
If I had to associate you with a summer movie right now, we’d probably be showing a cross between National Lampoon’s Vacation and Jaws 3 (in 3-D no less!) I’m not suggesting you’ll be attacked by a shark driving a station wagon, I’m just saying that you’ll have your fair share of travel and adventure before summer is out … if you don’t let your fear of mishaps and near-disasters keep you from getting out of the house. There will be some challenges to your plans that may lead to a slight June Gloom, but by mid-August you will be able to look back and laugh it all off (in 3-D, no less!)
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)
Count up your nickels and dimes, ya’ll, because the mantra this month is “money.” Or, rather, the total lack thereof. Don’t even bother looking through that catalogue — and put the mouse down right now! Bad eBay, bad! Relegate your credit cards to the underwear drawer for all of June or you’ll be crying in your generic brand Cheerios come August. Cheer up, summer is one of the few times it’s easy to be broke — the great outdoors is calling, and it requires fewer clothes. Plus, Mars is moving on in and making you feel all healthy and energetic so the money crunch won’t feel like a complete vise grip.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You know that strategy you’ve developed for dealing with your life when it seems peculiarly murky and incomprehensible? The one where you lock yourself up in your room with the covers pulled up to your head and watch reruns of “Divorce Court” while groaning from time to time? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your plan won’t work this month. The reason? Saturn. Saturn is finally, finally about to leave and you need to be alive and kicking to see it go! Crawl out of hiding, grab a notebook and a pen and plant yourself somewhere outdoors this month for serious contemplate-your-navel time. Don’t miss the opportunity to soak in what you think you’re missing. Saturn is leaving! By August 16th you won’t even remember “Divorce Court.” Really!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Any little change will make you feel slightly out-of-step this month, and that’s a very, very good thing. All these little quirks that upset your daily routine will just illuminate a hidden gem of your Capricorn Personality To-Do List that you’ve either checked off or made serious strides on achieving. What I’m saying here is that you’ve changed a lot more than you give yourself credit for, and when Saturn leaves us (bye Saturn! Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!) you’ll be able to clearly take stock of where you are and where you need to go. More semi-good-news: Another full moon in Capricorn in August will finally wrap up that one nagging situation you just can’t seem to control.
Tranquility in an uncertain environment 